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1. The isolated one
2. The autobiography
3. The conversations
4. The chained links
5. The reminisced
The world, the flesh, the devil
The isolated one
Name: Danver
Age: 19
Starsign: Leo
Loves
Solitude
Jazz and rock
Tennis
Chess
Billards
Black
Hates
White
Backstabbers
Hypocrites
Immature brats
Wishlist
People to enjoy happiness
A new computer
Attain a higher maturity level
Discipline
A fitter body
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I really hate ppl who count down to their ORD date. I mean i know the anticipation is exciting and i myself can hardly wait but isnt it a bit too desperate to count down to your ORD by days when u have months left. Its like oh i got 205 days of army left. How dumb is that...come on la just take it like a man and just serve time without complaining. Time will fly by much faster than u realise..
Priya dreamt about kissing me. Hm. and she enjoyed it even though it wasnt reality. Hm.
I have been inspired to help out in rescue efforts in sichuan China and myanmar. BUT due to army's restraint, i am helpless. I really want to engage in CIP activities and i swear to God that i will ensure that my life after army would be filled with volunteerism efforts and charitable donations plus regular trips to the temple. It really rejuvenates the mind body and soul. Not only that it would also tame my ego down several notches. All this time its always been about me. Why arent i better than other ppl even though we are of the same age. Why is my life 90% suffering and probably less than 1% happiness and the other % belongs to stagnancy and just pure boredom in my mundane army life. Thus i came to a conclusion that since i have been focusing so much about myself, its high time for me to start caring about the less fortunate. Coz i have always been an egoistic perfectionist, i always compare myself with ppl who are much better than me. But as i serve time in army, i realised that life is not just about achievements and self satisfaction. After all i am a buddhist and i have devoted time to reading the buddhist teachings. Honestly, i feel slightly enlightened. Even though i am still my egoistic self, i am beginning to condemn my double-edged sword and start to see things in a totally different perspective. I guess one factor that really inspired me was when i met saravanan in my workshop. He is the one i respect the most in my army life, because his actions are really not what a normal teenager would do.
The reasons why i respect him:
1) Even though ppl has trampled on his pride and ego, he still helps them without expecting
in return.
2) Without any complaint, he will suffer in silence as he chants faithfully.
3) Because of his devotion to Hinduism, he is willing to sacrifice whatever he has for the sake of
making other ppl happy.
4) There is never an 'i' in his vocab as it is all about 'u'.
5) He has a very optimistic view regarding life issues and society.
6) Most importantly, i am the total opposite of him and most probably i cant achieve what he has
Even so, i still aspire to become more and more like him as he aspires to become more and more like God. Maybe one day....one day i will truly become a better person.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 6:10 AM
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Sunday, May 18, 2008
Wow i am back to blogging again since recently i have a lot of thoughts my mind and i feel that i should really type it out. Recent updates about Danver.
- Graduated from OJE at jurong camp. Currently at nee soon camp. Army life is bittersweet.
- Technician work is tough but platoon mates are good. Kinda balances out.
- Passed my driving test! At long last i have a licence. 07/05/08.
- Guitar lessons are still going on as usual. Improving quite a bit.
- Keeping fit is tough due to the slogging during working hours. Poor body.
- Tennis rawkz.
- Clubbing rawkz for a while but leads to a throbbing headache and impaired hearing.
- Realised i have quite high alcohol tolerance.
- Steve Aoki rawkz.
- Currently i dont hang out with my 2 closest cliques.
- Missing a lot of ppl.
- Feeling super emo.
Gosh its really been a super long while since i have last blogged and i have no idea where to start. Ok lets begin with friendship. Looking back at my last post which was last year...i realised that around that period i have already started to drift away from my closest friends in my life. There were numerous circumstances. Firstly, my ego really influences me with dark negative thoughts which eventually lead to me becoming all emotional and pessimistic. Secondly, my friends dont trust me coz they think i have been telling priya secrets regarding GD. I mean i have been helping out with their darkest secrets that no one else in the gang knows about and this is the kind of treatment they give me. Its like they are repaying me with attitude instead of grattitude. It really disgusts me to realise that i have been naive about this reality. Are my friends really hypocrites who just make use of me as a good listener and a problem solver and ditch me and even accuse me of things i didnt do? Honestly, there was one time i was supposed to meet brian kenneth and JJ at parkway for lunch. Turned out that mathan and nallu were there and they interrogated me regarding the priya issue. I was like wtf. I know what i am supposed to say and what i am not supposed to say and different times and places. To think my closest friends can tell me i have betrayed their trust and now they are ganging up against me. It feels like i as the isolated one is going against a current which was once flowing in my direction. It sucks. Its like i am a spannar in a toolbox. When ppl need me, they use me. When they are done with me, they cast me aside and throw me back into the toolbox.
As a result, I isolated myself from the group. I dont really regard them as friends bcoz my definition of friends is a 2 way traffic. Gosh priya can even tell me that when friends share their sorrows and not their joy with me, i should feel glad bcoz only close friends would do that..what total fucked up bullshit. So i am just a dumping ground for other ppl's sorrows? And i am supposed to feel happy? Fuck that! Friends go through thick and thin. Joy and sorrow. Not just freaking sorrow. I love helping my friends who need help. And it really makes me happy to see them happy when they have overcome their issues in life. But what i really want is acceptance, appreciation and mutual understanding between friends.
Regardless, i have lost my 2 closest cliques. I found a new clique and they have a totally different lifestyle as compared to GD and the indian clique. I like the new clique as they are willing to experiment on different things and explore options..unlike GD whose members are forever playing dota and other online games like WOW. Even though i have found a new clique, i still miss my old friends. I miss those days when i can just laugh with them even when they laugh at my shortcomings. But now, i will just feel insulted whenever they do that. This sucks.
In actual fact, my outside life is more problematic as compared to my army life. Usually, army would appear more sucky than the normal lives of most NSFs. But i belong to the minority. Sure army life sucks and i bleed and sweat everyday. But the pain i receive from army is insignificant compared to the emotional reminiscing when i am not in camp.
On a happier note, i passed my driving test! I really thought i wouldnt pass coz the tester kept criticizing my driving skills. Plus at the corner of my eye, i kept seeing him ticking the checklist of mistakes. Just as i was mentally prepared to accept failure and book for the 3rd test in the briefing room, he actually asked me why i look so distressed and said he would pass me. I couldnt believe what i heard and i was super happy when he gave me 14 points and passed me...haha and my first trip on the road was to Balestier...my old homeground and i fetched my mum there. It was a satisfying achievement after so long.
Currently, i want to sign up for computer maintenance and repair courses. Including furthering my computing skills with lan networking, programming and documentation. Thinking between studying in an ite or ntuc. Depends. Still looking into it and i am looking forward to improving myself before uni starts. Still working on my exercise and guitar regimes. Hard life...hahaha...
My escapism is music appreciation, fictional books, drinking, clubbing and chilling with the few friends i have left in my life. I am inspired to help those suffering in China and Myanmar after reading up about the situations there. However, given my current situation, i feel so helpless. Regardless i am going to be suuuuuuuper enthu in CIP projects in uni and help out as much as i can. Thats why i am training so hard to become a great teacher and a great volunteer.
Thats all for this post. Will try to blog quite often nowadays...especially when i am feeling emo...haha.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 9:03 AM
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