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1. The isolated one
2. The autobiography
3. The conversations
4. The chained links
5. The reminisced
The world, the flesh, the devil
The isolated one
Name: Danver
Age: 19
Starsign: Leo
Loves
Solitude
Jazz and rock
Tennis
Chess
Billards
Black
Hates
White
Backstabbers
Hypocrites
Immature brats
Wishlist
People to enjoy happiness
A new computer
Attain a higher maturity level
Discipline
A fitter body
Friday, July 13, 2007
Well i have officially isolated myself from my closest friends...i have no idea whether i suffer more when i am hanging around them or when i am alone..probably the same i guess..i'm not saying this is some kind of achievement...i wanna see how far i can go being self reliant..plus i wanna improve myself a whole lot before uni starts 2 years later...
The thought of driving is really bugging me..like how my army buddies and ppl like mathan already have their driver's licence or having good progress for their driving course..it makes me feel sooooo inferior coz i havent even passed my final theory test...yes my ego acting up once again..but i have this bugging voice in my mind saying how pathetic i am compared to them coz i am like a beginner when it comes to driving...gosh i am like self destructing.
I have read dozens of articles regarding perfectionism and egoism..how destructive they are to the body soul and mind...the suggested solutions sound reasonable but are hard to apply in everyday life..especially in the army. I guess i am just being emotional once again..this sucks.
Priya said something today..she said that she has really tried her best and currently she is exhaused about life...she even apologised to me coz she felt she sounded kinda selfish...but i am the selfish one...i refuse to let my friends help me out...i am just scared of offending them..but now i think i have already distanced myself from them quite a lot...at this rate i will lose all my friends..maybe i already have...
It seems that even when i am in army camps and interacting with my army buddies...my character is about the same as before i entered NS...maybe slightly more matured coz i realised that the world isnt as innocent as one would perceive...but my ego is inflating as time passes by...maybe i should get more buddhist books to get rid of such mindset....
Friends...true friends are really hard to come by...especially in Singapore's system...would it hurt me not to have any friends and just treat everyone as acquintances? Sounds pretty lonesome...i wonder if i could share my problems with my best friend..i wonder if it would be awkward..i wonder whether it would help..
Urgh my life is totally __________ . Dunno what word to fill in...transformers and harry potter are out but i am probably not watching them..no company anyway...
For the sake of others' happiness..i shall lay down mine..
InD!gO plunged into darkness 8:40 AM
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Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Man this is one super long awaited update but currently no one reads my blog coz the blog fad is passe...so now i am treating this blog as a venue to rant and reflect on certain events and issues in my life.
[Recent updates]
- Didnt get into medicine. Blessing in disguise is all i can say to console myself.
- Get to be an MOE scholar. Wonder whats in store for me in 2 years time.
- Most of my female and foreigner friends are starting university in 1 month's time.
- Many of my friends have left overseas to study abroad.
- Maroon 5 new album rawkz.
- Linkin park new album sucks.
- Lost contact with GD on purpose.
- Posted to Jurong camp in boon lay for OJE. OETI was so much better.
- Bought a guitar :D
- Joined a driving school..but quit soon after realising that the system sucks.
- Currently very anxious about not learning enough during my 2 years.
- It hurts to always want to perfect myself for this 2 years. Literally.
Ok anyway recently i dipped my hair into engine oil while i was working on the floorboard under the vehicle..and kamal was saying dude ur hair is in oil and i was like whatever..until 5 seconds later then i got up and realise he was speaking the truth...haha shampoo-ed my hair for quite a while..coz my friend skin exposure to used engine oil is carcinogenic and that kinda freaked me out quite a bit...
Can get along real well with my current platoon. As good if not better than OETI platoon. Still miss everyone else from my ex platoon who got posted to various camps scattered around Singapore. The support of my fellow army buddies is really essential at this point in my life. Ever since i stopped hanging out with GD, life seem kinda stagnant..like there is a constant lonesome feeling yet my ego will stop me from wanting to hang out with them. My ego is the biggest obstacle in my life..the hardest barrier to overcome even though it is so prominent and its within me..totally under my control yet somehow it controls me.
I am just getting too eager to improve myself. Its straining my mind and body. But my new year's resolution was to make myself a much better person than i was in JC...much much better. But the process of maturing spans over a long period of time..and somehow i always end up feeling like i have achieved nothing at the end of the day..maybe my expectations are too high..maybe i am just simply pushing myself too hard...plus i find it hard to talk about this to other ppl due to my freaking ego. Yes i identified that my ego is the root of my problems..but it just seems so hard to put it down. I keep telling myself to not let my ego control me...and yet it somehow manages to wriggle through.
This sucks. And i just received news that my future unit may be a stay in unit..which means i cannot go home and have very little time for driving and guitar and other stuff....when the time comes..hopefully i can take it like a man and find other means to improve myself..regardless of the circumstances.
Come to think of it..i am real lucky i didnt get into medicine..coz the satisfaction of my ego was more evident than my passion in healing. What i really wanted more was the status and the money...rather than the amount of stress and toil one has to go through to heal patients. Everything links back to my ego...i need a wake up call badly...either that or someone to change my life for the better. Yes i need a miracle. God plz send me one. Haha...
Oh yes i have become a rather devoted buddhist. Been reading a whole lot more buddhist books than the usual dan brown harry potter and other fantasy books..i find the buddhist books so much more interesting and insightful. Perhaps i should read more to put down my ego once and for all....but i read somewhere that basic characteristics born within a person is very difficult to change...thus we are classified under the horoscopes. For example..its hard for an egoistic Leo to take things easy and put down his ego....ahhhhh this sucks.
Life sucks sucks sucks.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 7:57 AM
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