Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Chinese new year celebrations were awesome..seeing so many relatives at one go can really be tiring..but the monetary value gained from it is certainly gratifying...haha. Pui Eng and Irene look well..had some sort of pep talk with them about NS and University stuff. Brinden and Bhieman went there late as usual..but dinner was shared by the 3 of us and it was fantastic. Aunts and Uncles all look well too and thats good. Hope its gonna be a good year this year.
After all the excitement, chinese new year was over in a flash. Monday afternoon was kinda gloomy. Boredom drove me out of my house to just walk along the pathway of heritage view. The pavement looked like a scene from LOTR.. The bright amber sunlight shining through the leaves of nearby vegetation..i could see sun rays beaming on the ground with spots of shadows swaying randomly..Golden, maroon, orange and red leaves were scattered on the ground..like an autumn scenario which is kinda ironic since spring has just begun..Fragipani and lilies filled the sides of the pavement.
As i walked through it..i was thinking to myself..gosh..i have changed so much since secondary school days..The age of seventeen was supposed to be sweet 17 for most teenagers..but for me..it was a wake up call..a drastic fling back to reality..away from my dreamland. True enough it was a dark year. I have learnt so much from all the experiences and unhappiness throughout the year..in a way its a blessing in disguise. Honestly i miss those TK and MJ days..when ignorance was bliss and everyone is living out their lives..oblivious of the unseen future..unaware of the shortcomings they are going to face..Just when i thought last year was bad enough..the nightmare has just begun. This year is gonna be one helluva year. One that pushes my limits to the extreme..stretches my potential..fills my heart with pain and anguish..perhaps a slight glimpse of happiness..and definitely a way of preparation to be a real man. I am going to make it..i will make sure i make it. Success is the only route left and failure is not an option.
But most importantly, i must change even more. I must become a better person..i have to learn to overcome my fears...to toughen up for NS...stop deceiving those who are close to me...and stop deceiving myself. Instill discipline within myself...have to learn to control my emotions. Come on Danver...this is harsh reality...learn to face up to it.
Believe in yourself. You can do it. I know it.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 5:32 AM
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Saturday, January 28, 2006
Well chinese new year eve is over..so lets usher in the new chinese new year...Happy Chinese New Year everyone!!! All the best for the year yeah...
Yesterday's reunion dinner was as per normal... just a simple fare with my relatives...at uncle boon's place..had a 7 course meal but wasnt that full...so we ordered KFC home delivery. Wesley and Kerman being as irritating as usual...Brinden acting cool and Bhieman laughing at him always...haha my cousins...somemore Brinden is in ACJC too...
Today is gonna be an even more eventful day. Adios people.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 8:32 AM
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Friday, January 27, 2006
You've been hurt by the unspeakable pain and agony.
Let's carry each other's indelible stains.
Just don't give up living.
Will i end up losing them someday?
I want to protect you and your fading smile.
So, even if the resounding voice calling me should wither,
Even if the mingling winds should tell me...
I will find you.
Dont say things like 'I can't laugh' or 'I hate people'.
There's meaning in everything that happens in the unseen future.
So stay as you are for now.
I know there'll come a time when you realize it.
Someday we'll understand each other.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 7:20 AM
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Today is chinese new year eve eve...hence the name CNY eve square. Started off with fun-o-rama preparations in AC..kinda boring and sucky..but we got to interact with a junior class shared by mathan's class !!! Which was like super cool..and we plan to have an outing at eunice's place...an outing of 70 plus ppl..haha..the junior class only has 4 guys..and one of them is antisocial...girls are kinda hot i guess..but still cannot be compared to her...
CNY celebrations time. Loads of performances...chinese, malay, indian and modern dances..i love the performance put up by MCS...and linhao's acting was simply hilarious...CO 's music was good too...Oranges were given to teachers...and we were going high when we sang chinese new year songs...
Took a cab to TK with jessica mathan and linhao..talked about everything under the sun in the taxi coz its been such a long time since i have chatted with jessica...and we were kinda irritating the taxi driver..haha..TK celebrations werent that great..but meeting ppl and teachers was fantastic. TK has a new General Office and today was the official cutting the ribbon gimmick day. Lion dance was funny..a lion bit Tan Kee Hoe's hand to force him to give them hongbao... and they had a god of fortune mascot..walked around TK for a bit...met jessie and steph too...
On to pool in parkway. Met priya there and i was feeling kinda not in the mood coz the outcome of the group going for pool was kinda pathetic. Mathan also felt that it was a waste of time and i kinda agree with him... VJ ppl were there too.. so pool wasnt that fantastic. Doesnt matter..its either i suck being an organiser or ppl are simply too busy with their individual lives to have fun hanging out. BUT as usual i was the tyco king in pool..shooting unbelievable shots..but i hafta admit..the VJ guys next to us were good. Ah heck..its just pool.
Super sorry to priya and mathan if today was boring. Couldnt get the important and fun ppl to go...i just felt so lousy during the whole time thinking about how bored u guys felt.
Anyway...CNY shopping by myself was kinda loserfied. Bought a navy blue shirt which i like..and i cut my hair !!! I wanted it to grow but my mom insisted on my haircut...CNY is such a hassle...
A round of badminton anyone? Met up with benjamin, mavis and kevin to play badminton...Geylang serai CC was so empty la..maybe coz its CNY period...but it was sooooo cool hanging out with them considering the fact that i havent talked to them for like months? Talked a lot and caught up with each other..definitely need to have this kind of outings more often.
Went with them to parkway again to eat at fish and co. with jamie. First visit in Fish and Co. and their service was below standard..such a bad impression..ordered teriyaki salmon, french onion soup and passion fruit cocktail and i have to tell ya...the food rawkz. Expensive they may be..but they are scrumptious. Enjoyed my meal..chatted with friends and laughed about TK days and the present..Nice ambience too..and when dinner ended...kevin made a cocktail of his own..cold water with pepper,mayonaise, salt, a prawn shell with its head and feelers..a mussel...and a dried up lemon...and it looked like puke with a dead cockroach inside...sorry readers if this sounds really disgusting..believe me..the sight of it was horrible.
Went home.
Honestly, when are we gonna have a proper reunion...? If everyone is busy all the time, its as good as saying we are nerds...really.
Wateva..anyway CNY is here !!! Indians can call it munjan day or wateva..but its a great occasion and i am looking forward to celebrations. NiteZ.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 6:03 AM
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Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Saturday wasnt that fantastic..but still good nevertheless. Who would have thought that i would miss my friends so much..haha but everything is cool now. The awful experience is behind me and i'm back to my normal self. Saturday kicked off with soccer at chai chee..stupid nallu didnt turn up as usual...gonna kill that fag on chinese new year eve if i do meet him..but honestly la..i miss nallu and his crazy tactics and lame jokes.(More like i miss jacking and whacking him up.) After soccer, Mathan, brian, dehong, anan, zamir and myself sat down to take a breather and talked about TK days...good old TK days...
Went to parkway with mathan, brian and dehong to meet priya and nithya. Lunch wasnt that great but at least we got to chat a bit. We met a hot french ( unfortunately she's a smoker..) But she had such a hot bod..and i admit i got kinda high and said bye to that french girl when she left..Mathan was talking about dunno what waterbomb and him cursing cheebye when he got soaked...haha..Oh and nithya gave me a Keira Knightley poster !!! Yayness. Thx a bunch and really love the poster. Just hope i dun let my emotions go wild and start licking the poster...Priya had sch which sucked..otherwise we could have hung out more..nithya had to go MPH and mathan wanted to go home..so the 3 chinese went CNY shopping! ( I was the one who wanted to get stuff..the others just tagged along...)
Bought a reebok bag. Went to PS to meet Zj to watch the long awaited memoirs of a geisha.But we had to wait till 6.30 coz tickets were selling fast...but it was worth it. Omg..zhang ziyi is so pretty!!! Esp with blue contacts...and the beautiful silk kimono..plus 1 intense sex scene of her and some caucasian but who cares about the guy..nth was revealed but still it was good. Overall theme is the same as the storybook..with hatsumomo being the evil geisha..mameha as the kind teacher..the chairman as her love..her sis ditching her..effects were good..the english is kinda slurred..what can u expect from chinese stars speaking english... but zhang ziyi was sooooo pretty !! 4/5 stars.
At at macs. We had a fries feast before the movie and eating macs for dinner after the movie...haha total binge of fast food..the FATS !!! ARGH.
Cant wait for CNY eve. May not have a TK reunion..a complete one is kinda impossible..but one can always hope..plus i am meeting priya and the rest for pool or movie or wateva..we are just gonna hang out and slack to our heart's content. Just one more day...stupid thursday..till then..PEACE.
Memoirs of a geisha is a splendid work of art.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 2:21 AM
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It was a tuesday night. 17th January. I had a struggle with myself. More importantly, the emotions that i could contain before were overwhelming on that very night. And i was beginning to consider..whether i should tell you how i felt...how i really felt. The grudge that i held, all the agony i suffered.. My mind was like a runaway kaleidoscope, in the turmoil of a maelstrom of colours. I met you online..i didnt want to talk to you over sms/phone/msn..i wanted to meet you in person and convey how i felt. But somehow u persuaded me to say my piece over the phone...and i caved in.
I was scared..really scared that i would lose everything over a simple phonecall. The friendship that we have established..the memories of us hanging out..i didnt want to let it go...i was caught in a dilemma..i told ya how i still had my grudge..despite the talk we had at the beach. Perhaps i was living in the past, clinging on to the hope that we might be together again. Perhaps i was being some immature kid who cant forgive. But put urself in my shoes. If i have done what u did.. would u still be my friend? Wouldnt u hate me? Your answer was to just break off from the friendship and get on with life. Maybe its easy for u since this kind of thing has occurred to u before...and when i heard your answer, i was thinking, are friendships really that easy to break off and forget?
The worst part of the conversation. I realised that this whole issue was my fault. When u asked me that very important question online, i lied about my feelings. I am such a pathetic liar. Not only have i deceived u..i have deceived myself. Upon realising the truth behind all this, i felt horrible..sick.. all the sufferings that u are enduring now could have been prevented if i hadnt lied about how i really felt during that time.. All the pain i bore and the grudges withheld wouldnt even exist...my life wouldnt have been so miserable..damn. I wanted to apologise but i know it was too late. We ended our friendship over the phone...
I couldnt sleep. All i could feel was this heartwrenching feeling within me..and at the back of my mind..there is this tiny little voice that keeps telling me that you are no longer my friend..you are out of my life totally.. My face was flustered and i just kept regretting all i said to you over the phone..I was wondering, am i supposed to pretend that i'm fine even though i am not? What was the whole point of holding that grudge..all she could do was apologise and she couldnt turn back time..furthermore it was my entire fault for deceiving her.. I felt terrible.
The next morning, i was too depressed to do anything. Somehow the motivation within me had dissapated..dumping my sorry self into the depths of solitude...that conversation was totally pointless..if only i could have set aside my big fat ego and just forgive ya.. I was left speechless. More importantly, i have lost a very important person in my life over some stupid grudge. The grudge i held was definitely gone..but i didnt consider your feelings when i said those stuff over the phone...You may have hated me so much for destroying the friendship..you may have been depressed too..i didnt know..all i knew was that i have to get u back in my life..friends do come and go..but this friend of yours is gonna stick to you for life. I read your blog during recess and i finally knew how u felt after that night.. I am truly sorry for everything. The thought of not having u as my friend is nauseating.
We made up and we are friends again. Sounds stupid right? My fault. Just wanna let u know that u are a very important person in my life..all grudges are gone too. I have learnt to open up more..i should talk to someone about my problems instead of bottling them up and waiting a year before talking about it all at one go...After this whole experience, i have learnt to treasure u more and gonna cherish this friendship for life. No more lies too.
Lastly, for readers out there.. do not make important decisions online or over the phone.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 1:39 AM
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
[All That I've Got]
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
Off guard, red handed
Now I'm far from lonely
Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I..
I need something else
Would someone please just give me
Hit me, knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can laugh all I want inside
I still am empty
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...
I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got
I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got
I guess, I remember every glance you shot me
Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat
I squoze so hardI stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I..
I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got
I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got
And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got!
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me
I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got
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ENOUGH!!! Damn it !!! Hate it when ppl make use of me when they need me and cast me aside like some tool when i am not in need. Certain individuals are freaking pissing me off. They take me for granted. Its bad enough that i am this angsty teen with the emo and stress and stuff but adding to my burden and sufferings are these few ppl who make use of me. What am i supposed to do? Say no to u guys when u want my help? Oh i would love that so very much...just that my conscience is going against me..otherwise i would have just blew my top and bombarded u guys with vulgarities and even take the opportunity to sever all ties. Sure i may seem like some immature brat and all that..but how would u feel if u realised that u have been such a fool over the past few years..helping ppl who dun even appreciate ur kindness..helping ppl who forgets what u have done for them..well i am that kind of fool. Kindness doesnt beget kindness.
Then i would ask myself. Y do i help then..if by helping ppl would make me feel so bad about myself..y help..? Conscience.
Freak.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 3:52 AM
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Sunday, January 15, 2006
Friendships. Some remain strong whereas some slowly fade away into oblivion. Honestly, my true friends belong to the TK gang. Have secured several friendships with a few others. But after establishing such a strong relationship..isnt it a pity to just let it all go..? Am i thinking too much? Perhaps. But on the other hand i may not be. Have i been so blind all this while...or issit just my imagination? Issit due to stress or puberty that i am feeling all this? Probably one of the above mentioned.
I should stop wallowing in self pity. What good will it do for me anyway. It is such a heart-wrenching feeling..exactly how a knife that has plunged deep into my heart feels. Its such a sick feeling..and i have been feeling it so much until i grow to like the feeling of it..some what like an addiction. Every morning during assembly, i would immerse myself into my deep thoughts during devotion period...thinking of my past, present and future..and wondering...am i a good friend or am i a fool.
All this doesnt make sense. It just doesnt.
Well doesnt matter for now. I will just wait and see how things go. If things get ugly one day..i just have to accept my fate and deal with it. But it would be such a pity.
Jennifer Love Hewitt is my new idol considering that keira knightly shows off her assets in movies to gain popularity...she bares them all..which kinds of make me lose respect for her. Now its a duel between Jennifer and Zhang ziyi for the number one on my list. Memoirs of a geisha determines it. Its gonna be a good movie. I am sure of it.
CNY eve is coming. Counting down to the major reunion of GD. Urgh its such a long while more. But i will look forward to that eventful day.
Swim PE is fun. Just found out that the catagorising test for swimming is freaking easy..one lap breaststroke and one lap freestyle..if u can do both u are in advanced. And i am in advanced along with mathan. Swim PE rawkz. I get to learn lifeguard skills and waterpolo. And i get to see hot girls in swimsuits. How cool is that..haha. Noticed most of the girls are in beginners. Guess most girls in AC are super shy when it comes to swimming lessons..can see them blushing..haha.
Met anthony yesterday. He finally came over to my place in the west. We played tennis at my place...chowed down at the japanese cafe in ACJC..showed him around AC..played AOE..watched anime..played chess..and i finally gave him his bdae gift even though his bdae is on 23rd jan. He is gonna stay in Singapore till the end of Feb. Gonna miss him when he leaves and hope he returns to singapore soon.
ARGH monday is coming soon..damn..monday blues setting in..GP essay is calling too...argh..S paper tutorial tmr !!! Vectors suck !!! Gtg do hw...niteZ.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 5:46 AM
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Monday, January 09, 2006
Super tiring week it has been. Cousin is in ACJC..busy with orientation, while i am in ACJC...busy with piles of homework, e-learning, cca...etc. Rather rush for the first week of school but what can u expect from a JC2 student. Tough times lie ahead..but gonna brace myself and face them like a man. Sounds weird but still.
Saturday was the busiest day of the week. There i was on friday chanting TGIF. And out of nowhere i had 4 plans to attend to on saturday. How utterly wonderful and what a nice way to enjoy my weekend. But at least it was well spent. First up was TK cca recruitment day. Thx to my junior who told me that on the night before...but all was good. Brought my chess set and saw teachers, juniors, and ppl from my batch whom i dont really like and by mentioning their names in my blog would be degrading it. Chess club seems to be picking up by enrolling more ppl..girls too! Haha how rare. The chess standard has improved too...glad to know that. TK has become more vibrant since my last visit. Now they are renovating the general office...it has become such a big office...how envious.
Had to go to katong shopping centre to run errands and buy anthony's gift !!! Errands were draggy..but finding anthony's gift was even worse. Went to comic connection and wanted to buy a poster but realised that they stopped selling. So i settled for buying a set of metal items. A cool satanic looking necklace ( bought one for myself ), a blade and a ring.
Then went over to priya's place to group study with mathan and her. Wasnt really productive..honestly speaking..its a 5 day week...we students are not machines...studying on weekends are out of the question for yours truly coz i feel weekends are times for relaxation. Even if its A lvl year and ppl say that my foundation for J1 topics is there. We need a break. Forcing ourselves to study is totally urgh. Being an angsty teen about studying. So we slacked at her place and chatted about fun times and how the twins are doing in VJ. Seems that they dun really like it. Well they always have the option of getting out after first 3 months so we see how it goes. Kinda sad considering that i wont be meeting my TK gang that often anymore due to certain constraints. Face up to reality danver.
Golf lessons was at night. Now i am beginning to like golf. Like mathan said..once i got the hang of it..i will grow to like it. How true. Chelliah is a great coach and i have my cousins to accompany me throughout the course. My body ACHES. Arm, waist, back, neck, shoulder, abdomen, torso..urggghhhh.
Sunday was my grandma's bdae. Buffet lunch at holiday inn atrium hotel. Wonderful spread of food. Surprisingly, there is a wider variety of food now as compared to the past. I love turkey..and the prata was good too. Meesiam was one of the best and loads of other delicacies. Dessert was the best with log cakes, ice cream and tarts. What was missing was alcohol. haha...
Chinese new year is coming. But before that..memoirs of a geisha and celebration of anthony's bdae. Great plans coming up and strive on towards success everyone. Peace out.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 4:20 AM
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