Ambassador of darkness, drowning in a pool of misery

Friday, March 24, 2006

Freak i got a B for math...on the exam day itself i knew i screwed up the paper...damn. Overconfidence and lack of practice really puts me down..disgrace to math S. But i am going to get over this, learn from my mistakes and pick myself up again to work even harder than before. Gonna guarantee an A for prelims and As.

Seems that i did well for bio S selection test. Wonder if i would get into bio S class..But even if i do..i would be in a dilemma. Lets just see what happens..

InD!gO plunged into darkness 7:34 PM

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Deep down within the depths of my heart lies a hidden confession that i have been wanting to tell ya for ages. However, this gutless pathetic soul that i possess restricts my way of expression..mangles my true feelings and distorts my decisions. Hesitations are common. MY voice is laden with melancholy and despair. I am hopeless after all. Even starting such a simple conversation with her is so nerve-wrecking..

Y am i supressing my true feelings? What cowardice. I am such a failure as a Leo. The facades i put on everyday..the feelings i try to hide from her..she seems so near yet so far..will i live to regret if i have kept my feelings as a secret? Perhaps...but what can i do...i am nothing but a coward. I envy others.

Guess i cant impress her after all.. My math was screwed..Chances of getting an A are rather slim. Sorry...i hope u can find a better tutor than me if you ever need one.. I dont stand a chance..i am unfit to do so anyway.

Today was the last day of the exams. No big deal coz more major events are coming up. Stress is building up. Gonna accelerate my training schedule. I need to have a mind as clear as a polished mirror. I need to regain my calm and posture. I need to stand up against my fears instead of cowering in the darkness. I need to have the discipline to pull through hard times. Most importantly, i must be more mature about the situation...

On a lighter note, today was fun. Hung out with Eric, Mathan, Ryan and Edwin instead of hanging out with my class. U can say its like a betrayal to my class but heck. I cant possibly force them to be my best friends if we dont click..and neither can they force themselves. Ate at JEC with them..Watched V for Vendetta too..finally a good movie that i actually liked. Expected of the wachowski brothers. Played pool but it didnt go that well for me..determined to improve. Went to brian's house to watch anime. Really enjoyed myself despite the math screw up...ah well.

Sorry once again.

InD!gO plunged into darkness 5:32 AM

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

We are fighting dreamers, aiming for the top.
Fighting dreamers, without a care for how we look.
Fighting dreamers, believing as we do.
Living out our dreams that is.

Through the grim carnage along the road,
where will you go, opening up another map?
The vivid crow snatched it up and escaped, taking it away.
Come on, all you gotta do is open the eyes in your heart,
and you will see through to the present truth.
There is nothing left to lose so let's move on out!

Right here, right now, let it rip like a bullet liner.

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I only wanted to leave a shadow in a small corner of your heart, and be a man and fight for ya.. I am definitely not good enough..so after all that i shall disappear...hope i can remain as a memory...

Danver...forget about revenge. I have seen plenty of guys like you.. The ones who speak only about vengeance are the worst kind. You will hurt yourself more than ever and you will only cause yourself to suffer. Even if you succeed in your revenge, all that will remain is emptiness and sorrow.

Shut up! What do you know?! Dont talk to me as though you can understand me! Well then, what if i took away or killed someone important from you? Then you'd see that what you are saying is wrong.

Well that could be. Unfortunately, there isnt anyone like that for me. They have all left me. Times have been bad. I know the pain of loss. You and i havent really been fortunate..lady luck is not on our side..but it could be worse. For me and for you too...we've found good friends havent we? Because of your losses, you should be more mature of the situation. Only you have the power to control your destiny. Cherish those around you...

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Last paper tmr. Wonder if i can impress her with my grades..and hopefully become better friends with her...really hope she does well too..seeing her cry is unbearable.

InD!gO plunged into darkness 6:05 AM

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

Once, twice, the bell toll echoes,
Far and wide in the heart.
Like in a story, stellar droplets fall,
And inside narrow tracks are built.

As time goes by, the times will change.
The drifting stars will quietly move.
If you close your eyes and listen closely,
goodbye.

Release the light
Don't give up, be strong.
Now let em out until it reaches someone.
The light of glory lies beyond here.
Its the story we all create together.

Look up at the light of the stars in the night sky.
The thoughts and wishes of the past will cross the ages.
And arrive just as vividly.
In your sparkling eyes, someone's scream is reflected.
Feelings on the wind, wishes to the moon,
Today i will live life to the fullest too.

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Life is like playing a game with no restart button. Its like playing a long round of russian roulette.

Term 2 is coming in 2 days. Exams comes as part of the package. I am not gonna be scared at this point of time. Its futile. All i can do is do my best and not regret.

InD!gO plunged into darkness 7:35 AM

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Who are you to question who is happier. You claim that your life is miserable coz he treats you like some maid and sometimes i do the same. More importantly, you are totally blaming me for your sufferings. Have you given a thought about my life? my happiness? Or do you simply assume that my life is picture perfect and i am all smiles and joys everyday? Bet its the latter. Fine..if you claim that your life is really that pathetic and full of sufferings, that comes to show that you only care for yourself. Even if you do care only about yourself, you dont even want to make any effort to change your life. Instead all you ever do is lament about your life and blame ME for it. Thx a lot.

Ppl claiming that they are unhappier..debating about who's life is more pathetic than the others...how childish.

Happiness is short lived. Its true that i am able to at least sense happiness when i hang around with friends. They are my only source of enjoyment and hanging out with them brings meaning into my life. Life at home is hell. Life being alone is hell. Life without any real support is hell. My friends would depend on my help..rely on me during times of need. I have no one to rely on. Rather some would just ignore or shrug it off with some lame excuses. How i long to leave this home. How i long to change my current lifestyle. I long for freedom.

I want to experience the true meaning of life.

Is seeing other ppl experiencing happiness supposed to make me feel happy or make me feel jealous? Somewhat both. I can help others..but i cant help myself..how pathetic.

InD!gO plunged into darkness 6:30 AM

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Friday, March 10, 2006

Lets kick off the day with a GP exam. Sucks. Actually, the GP exam wasnt that tough..managed to finish my AQ question and it is rather well done if i dare say. Quite confident in achieving better grades in GP. If i dun..i seriously have to put in more effort..less my mom will start getting hysterical and everyone around me in school would start getting on my nerves too.

Argued with my mom over my rights of going out with female friends. I dont see the big deal in hanging out with female friends..She is afraid that my sex hormones would go out of control and things would happen. Even though her imagination is wild, she also criticised my friends and that is like a total insult flying straight at my face. Whats her freaking problem man...she has no idea how irritating it is to always having to ask her for permission before i hang out with female friends..she would want to know everything about my female friend and if she doesnt like the company..she would absolutely refuse all contact with the friend. How unreasonable and immature is that..Whats ironic is that my GP comprehension today is about teenagers and how the gap between teenagers and adulthood is bridging coz children are maturing faster than adults..how true. Fuck! My mood is totally ruined thx to her and i am ranting in my blog coz i was contemplating whether to go to NUS open house or not and now i have no mood to think about the event. Zijian was also bugging me since who knows when about the open house and i am freaking pissed with him. I still remember the time when he said i was trying to force him by persuading him to buy fun-o-rama tickets..i wasnt even forcing him and he was getting all touchy and sensitive..and now he is doing the same thing to me but 5 times worse..bloody hell irritating and he definitely doesnt practise what he preaches.

That put aside..played 4 hours of badminton with eric xueming and china ppl we dont know. Really had fun sweating continuously for 4 hours and drinking gallons of water. Even did situps..must be crazy..guess all these comes from my motivation to train..ever since that failure...argghhhhh.

Ok 2 failures in relationships...kinda heartwrenching but in a way its a blessing in disguise. Now i have a mind equivalent to a polished mirror..i often self reflect and find ways to improve myself instead of judging others and claiming that i am so called superior. I dare say i am more matured in my thinking now..and i would be able to resist temptations caused by my stupid sex hormones...i feel so pathetic. So helpless. I can help others but i can never help myself. Why is that so? Issit some inevitable phenomenon that happens to danver teo only...or some damnation from God..i wouldnt know. All i ever do is envy others and never regard myself as a person who has strengths. I possess no strengths. I dun respect myself. I dun trust myself. And here i am trying to tell ppl to believe in their abilities and trust themselves...not practising what i preach now..crap.

More importantly, i have found my purpose in life. I have succumbed to harsh reality that i am a helper and never a receiver. My purpose is to help others whenever they need help..and not expect anything in return...I feel that i should even help the ones whom i dislike..since i am already condemned as a helper. This is not about getting sympathy friendships..its not about believing in God...its not about trying to get ppl to acknowledge my existence...its not about trying to gain something out of helping ppl...its not about trying to act hero..its about being compassionate and helping ppl for the sake of their happiness. Its about self sacrifice..sacrificing my happiness for the sake of others..i am not entitled to enjoy true happiness..so y not try to make ppl around me happy..at least one other party would be in joy..

But i feel used. Yes i feel used. But it cant be helped..it is a fact that i am being used by ppl and taken for granted. Who do they think i am? Some idiot who can act as some slave to them? I just cant help but feel used. Let me ask u this..wont u feel used in my situation? Friends asking u for help only when they need it...and not bother about u when they do not need ur help. Damn.

Depressing post huh. Exams are coming too. March hols is a time to study..how stupid is that..singapore is pathetic..Damn.

InD!gO plunged into darkness 6:33 AM

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Typical wednesday for danver? My ass. Super fun wednesday for him. Rather eventful. Fast forward to the part after lessons coz they are extremely boring. Strategic games club as usual with xueming eric brian arvin joonkiat joel and dhriti. Its been a while since i have last played bridge..kinda miss playing the game. Played reversi for the first time in real life too.

Chess was over. The fun begins. Eric and I were busy making preparations for the upcoming performance MUSE to be held in the prestigious esplanade. An unforgetful moment in JC2. Headed over to my place first to change. Then i went over to eric's house for the first time. Its been a long time since i have last entered a HDB flat but it brought back nostalgic memories in Ubi. Met his family and played his com. His keyboard and mouse are freaking dirty !!! Eric go clean ur room man. Soft toys in there make it look like a girl's room...Went to tiong bahru plaza to buy flowers for edwina and zel. Eric was busy deciding on flowers whereas i decided on a sunflower for edwina. He gave zel a rose and edwina a sunflower.

Judgment day has arrived for myself and Eric. We ate at macs ( actually i was the only one eating ) but before that we saw khor saw lynn and keith tan in a delifrance talking and laughing. Keith tan noticed me and i was like shocked when khor saw lynn saw me. Btw..they are teachers. On our way to esplanade..i saw a few ACsians. Saw tovya walking with the CO president. Wanted to come up with some act by purposely walking ahead of her and looking back for eric. Kinda childish and cowardly but cant help it coz even though danver is a leo..he lacks charisma and courage..ironic. Anyway that act failed coz she just walked past me without saying hi..and eric was like comforting me..True i felt kinda depressed..coz she met up with daryl from SA. And they were sitting in front of me during the concert. So yeah felt kinda depressed and all that and really sorry eric for spoiling ur day.

However, the concert was good. I have to admit though that i fell asleep for the first part of the performance coz i was kinda tired and depressed and the music was really soothing. But the songs increased volume..with more drastic changes and loud blasts from trumpets that woke me up..sudden adrenaline surge when some songs were played. During intermission, we gave the flowers to zel and edwina..haha edwina had to go..so i made my absence clear..leaving eric and zel alone..saw what happened between the 2 of them and i was laughing at eric...he came up with corny remarks and presented zel the rose in a very cliche way...hiding the flower behind his back..but i am happy for him. At least he was happy...and happy that i could help him.

Ended late..reached home at 11...how late is that..but muse was really worth it..actually the ticket i got was the most expensive but yet tovya who paid less got to sit in front..so in the future i better buy the cheapest ticket...but this ticket i got it free !!! Thx edwina for the treat..hope u appreciate the sunflowers..haha. MUSE was fantastic.

InD!gO plunged into darkness 4:57 AM

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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

[Post fun-0-rama celebrations]
Well since fun-o-rama was such a great success..we ACSians feel that we deserve a break. We chanted holiday when kelvyna chan was making her speech on fun-o-rama..and our wish was granted! We were immediately released from school and i wore my uniform for like 1 hour...joined mathan's class to have lunch at some japanese restaurant in shaw house. Food was great but it was kinda pricey though. We had to cook our own chicken. Talking about chicken..when i was eating..eric was talking about how her smile could melt my heart. When i agreed with him..mathan said eric's smile grills his chicken..and we just burst out in laughter..hahaha. Watched fog and from today onwards i am never watching another horror movie produced in america coz most of them are not freaking scary... The fog featured tom welling which is the smallville lead..and there were hot babes. Basically the story is about this town which is haunted by ghosts who suffered from leprosy when they were alive. They were seeking revenge coz the founders of the town breached the contract they made and killed them all. Thats it. No shocks. No scary scenes..Slight gore. And there was this scene when tom welling and his gf were getting intimate in the shower room. They were getting hot and wet at the same time and i was like is this a horror movie or not?! Oh ya and the funny thing is that i met my cousin in the same theatre. After the movie..the whole lot of AC students shouted that the movie sucked. But there was this niger joke that was worth 3 bucks..so i wasted 4 bucks only.

Eric lost his orange plushie but found it the next day...seems that his classmates went around orchard looking for it and it was a success..haha.

[Arts night]
It was an experience never to be forgotten. After bio S..i stayed back, waiting in anticipation for arts night to happen. It seems that the havana themed event is a big thing in AC.. so i decided to check it out. LT4 was decorated with havana style decorations. Ppl were dressed in havana clothes while some bimbos apparently decided to flaunt their curvatures by wearing skimpy clothes that revealed quite a bit. U have no idea how short some of their skirts were...haha. Arts ppl were busy coz it was a big event dedicated to arts students. Bands were getting ready and wenlong from robbie and the book of tales was the host along with debra. It was rather eventful coz i realised many things that i didnt know before. Benjamin is in a band and Eugene is his band manager.. Nathenial shen, thaddieus and subas are in the same band..Darren and Ashish are in the same band..The 2 malays in Linhao's class make excellent beatboxers. Ultimate respect for them. One guy previously from F maths class could juggle super well to 'dancing in the moonlight'. Kinda fag but his juggling skills were awesome. The rock bands played numerous songs and i have to admit that their are good. Can tell that they have put in a lot of effort for arts nite. Everqueer is back. Tovya's and Krishmen's band by the way. Didnt know tovya is the only girl in her band. She played the bass and the synthesizer. I felt that everqueer's drummer and guitars were good..but Viknesh the vocalist was going a bit too fast in his songs..thus it was thrown off rhythm..but no worries..i am sure everqueer would make a dramatic comeback in another performance..which is the upcoming rooftop performance in AC.

All in all..it was fantastic. Reached home at 10.

[Founder's day]
SUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPER boring speeches were made. Throughout the whole ceremony and prize giving and speeches and hymns..i was fooling around with eric, xueming, mathan and marvin..haha we just kept laughing and laughing and getting high and higher and poking eric is so freaking fun. We talked about the girls we liked too..haha. Choir and band played during the ceremony. Good news is that there is no school on that day and minister of manpower came over. After the whole ceremony thing..khor saw lynn went up to stage to lecture us on our inappropiate behaviour. He said that the ppl in the hall which are the JC2 are the most well behaved ( my ass ) and the JC1 in the LT didnt behave well. He gave us one minute to reflect and we were actually laughing at him...so lame.

The day wasnt over. It ended at 11 but i have to get my AO chinese results at 2. Went with mathan's class to chow down at grillers at tiong bahru plaza..near eric's place. The chicken was good but the service was sucky. I am never going there again even if the food is good coz the waitresses spoke to us in chinese and gave us burnt food..haha its like cheating our cash. The class of 2SD4 took neoprints. After the trip to tiong bahru plaza..we went back to AC and we were late...hahaha. 98.2% passed MT !!! Cool huh. I wasnt expecting much in terms of grades coz i know my chinese sucks. If i pass..i will be contented. I got a B4 !!! And a MERIT for oral !!! I cant believe it. From a pass in oral during Os to a merit..an accomplishment for danver who cant speak chinese well..hahaha. When mathan got his results..he was ultra happy that he got D7 for tamil..which means he can drop the stupid subject..haha he was so happy that he got super high and started hugging me and eric...so funny..haha

We witnessed tears of joy and sadness in the hall when the JC3 received their As results. There are 2 ACSians who got 9 distinctions..cool huh..dun worry..next year i will be one of those walking up on the stage and shaking hands with kelvyna chan...i will make sure that happens.

After all that big hooha..eric xueming mathan and ryan came over to my place to play warcraft and Xbox and drink free coke as usual...haha but i dun mind their company..great friends. The day ended off well and everything is back to normal tmr...argh long day tmr...freak.

Cant believe its already march. GP exam is next week...scary.............

InD!gO plunged into darkness 1:43 AM

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