Wednesday, January 25, 2006
It was a tuesday night. 17th January. I had a struggle with myself. More importantly, the emotions that i could contain before were overwhelming on that very night. And i was beginning to consider..whether i should tell you how i felt...how i really felt. The grudge that i held, all the agony i suffered.. My mind was like a runaway kaleidoscope, in the turmoil of a maelstrom of colours. I met you online..i didnt want to talk to you over sms/phone/msn..i wanted to meet you in person and convey how i felt. But somehow u persuaded me to say my piece over the phone...and i caved in.
I was scared..really scared that i would lose everything over a simple phonecall. The friendship that we have established..the memories of us hanging out..i didnt want to let it go...i was caught in a dilemma..i told ya how i still had my grudge..despite the talk we had at the beach. Perhaps i was living in the past, clinging on to the hope that we might be together again. Perhaps i was being some immature kid who cant forgive. But put urself in my shoes. If i have done what u did.. would u still be my friend? Wouldnt u hate me? Your answer was to just break off from the friendship and get on with life. Maybe its easy for u since this kind of thing has occurred to u before...and when i heard your answer, i was thinking, are friendships really that easy to break off and forget?
The worst part of the conversation. I realised that this whole issue was my fault. When u asked me that very important question online, i lied about my feelings. I am such a pathetic liar. Not only have i deceived u..i have deceived myself. Upon realising the truth behind all this, i felt horrible..sick.. all the sufferings that u are enduring now could have been prevented if i hadnt lied about how i really felt during that time.. All the pain i bore and the grudges withheld wouldnt even exist...my life wouldnt have been so miserable..damn. I wanted to apologise but i know it was too late. We ended our friendship over the phone...
I couldnt sleep. All i could feel was this heartwrenching feeling within me..and at the back of my mind..there is this tiny little voice that keeps telling me that you are no longer my friend..you are out of my life totally.. My face was flustered and i just kept regretting all i said to you over the phone..I was wondering, am i supposed to pretend that i'm fine even though i am not? What was the whole point of holding that grudge..all she could do was apologise and she couldnt turn back time..furthermore it was my entire fault for deceiving her.. I felt terrible.
The next morning, i was too depressed to do anything. Somehow the motivation within me had dissapated..dumping my sorry self into the depths of solitude...that conversation was totally pointless..if only i could have set aside my big fat ego and just forgive ya.. I was left speechless. More importantly, i have lost a very important person in my life over some stupid grudge. The grudge i held was definitely gone..but i didnt consider your feelings when i said those stuff over the phone...You may have hated me so much for destroying the friendship..you may have been depressed too..i didnt know..all i knew was that i have to get u back in my life..friends do come and go..but this friend of yours is gonna stick to you for life. I read your blog during recess and i finally knew how u felt after that night.. I am truly sorry for everything. The thought of not having u as my friend is nauseating.
We made up and we are friends again. Sounds stupid right? My fault. Just wanna let u know that u are a very important person in my life..all grudges are gone too. I have learnt to open up more..i should talk to someone about my problems instead of bottling them up and waiting a year before talking about it all at one go...After this whole experience, i have learnt to treasure u more and gonna cherish this friendship for life. No more lies too.
Lastly, for readers out there.. do not make important decisions online or over the phone.
InD!gO plunged into darkness 1:39 AM
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